** I thought this post was lost for good, but apparently I had a draft of it in my old blogger blog.This reminds me of the *fun* wedding preps that didn’t prepare us for the challenge, and fun, and shock, that is marriage.
2004. Bridal Fair in one of Manila’s hotels. Not the biggest bridal fair around, in fact the place isn’t filled with suppliers, and the mood is a bid subdued.
Mai – harried Bride-to-be, sarcastic squinty person who is more prone to making nasty remarks than saying kind words, still undecided about most of their wedding suppliers, frequent visitor of bridal fairs as she hopes to finally decide on and book their suppliers.
Erik – Mai’s friend from her elementary days, faithful companion to wedding fairs, kinder than Mai, but still with AH traits inherent in all Mai’s friends. Generally introduced at wedding fairs as (1) the bridesmaid, (2) the bride, (3) the fiance’
Shutterbug – Pushy photographer. Really quite good, but a bit too full of himself.
Mai and Erik case the fair. It isn’t very big, and in fact the suppliers don’t even fill up the function room. Nothing much they haven’t seen before – except a booth selling kinky underwear which has a poster of a model in a thong, complete with pubic stubble (hello Photoshop please), and a potential florist – 2171 Flowers – whose albums are filled with beautiful stylized arrangements. Mai and Erik agree that 2171 merits a 2nd look, but are a bit shocked to learn that a lily-of-the-valley bouquet would set you back from 15,000 – 20,000 bucks. Oh yeah, and a bagpiper.
Mai: slim pickings, eh?
Erik: Yeah. Not the most rewarding fair visit we’ve made.
Mai: what say you we leave. Grab a bite to eat. Window shop.
Mai and Erik walk toward the exit and pass Shutterbug’s booth.
Bug: (smiles widely) Helloooo ladies.
Bug: So ladies, can I show you my work??
Bug: Here here come here have a seat here here take an album and have a look at my work….my work, beautiful
Mai: Actually…we were just leaving (to herself: ahhh, I wanna leave)
Bug: Ladies!!! Have a seat!!! So who is getting married? (looks at Mai and Erik)
Mai: Me…but actually…
Bug: Ahhh good. Here, have an album
Mai: (to herself – actually, I’ve already booked our photographer….)
Bug: So when is your wedding? Ah….Feb 2005??? So far away! Ahhh, Tsk tsk tsk, I will need to charge you an extra 10,000 pesos then. But lucky you, I am not yet booked for that day!
Mai: (to herself – WTF, stupid Mai, you should have told him you’ve already got a photographer booked, now you have to sit politely, listen to his swill, and waste both your times)
Erik: (to herself – WTF, stupid Mai, get the balls to tell him you’ve already got a photographer so we can leave and eatttt!!!!)
Mai: Ah….you see…
Bug: (interrupts) : HERE! Sign my directory. Lucky you! I don’t ask just anybody to sign, you know — they have to be special…because I pick my work! I dont shoot just anyone!!
Mai: (to herself: Just shoot me then you fucking idiot hehah!)
Bug: Now you see, what I do, it is not just weddings, you know, it is FASHION! You will look FASHION!!
Erik: (to herself: Putangina)
Bug: Here, look at this shot, is it not FASHION!!! the RAINBOW LIGHTING!!! the MOOD!!! so GLAMOROUS!!! lucky BRIDE!!! Shot by ME!! The SKILL, the EYE!!! the GENIUS!!! You know
Mai: Uhh, welllll…
Erik: (to herself: Putangina)
Mai: Ahehehe (tries to rifle through the album and sees a photo of wedding rings…)
Bug: Oh yes! look at THAT!!! those WEDDING RINGS, shot so beautifully, so FASHION!
Mai: (to herself: What the hell is this…could it be….)
Bug: Look look at the PICTURE!!
Mai: (to herself: PUTANGINA!!!! Its a PUBIC HAIR!!! Stuck to the photo!!! POTAPOTAPOTA)
Mai: (tries to flip to another page)
Bug: (flips page back to hairy ring photo) WAIT!!! LOOK AT THAT PHOTO!! See how I shot the RINGS! You know!! Not like how other ORDINARY photographers would. I do it in FASHION!!! You know!!
Mai: (tries to flip to another page) Ahhh Look at THIS PHOTO! It looks FASHION!!!
Bug: (flips page back to hairy ring photo) WAIT!!! LOOK AT THAT RING PHOTO!! Let me explain my FASHION STYLE!! Those RINGS, shot in FASHION, you know!
Mai: (tries to flip to another page) Ahhh but this other photo is NICE!! PHOTO!!! FASHION!!!
Bug: !!!WAIT!!! (flips back to rings and holds album very firmly) LET ME EXPLAIN MY FASHION STYLE!!!
Mai: (eyes glaze over, listens submissively)
Mai and Erik leave the fair and start walking around the mall.
Mai: Yo, Erik, did you see the hair?
Erik: What hair?
Mai: (mimics Erik) “What hair???” What hair?!! That fucking wiry little pubic hair that was stuck to the picture of “the rings….YOU KNOW” There was a PUBIC HAIR stuck to the picture…and it was this close to my nose!” You just missed the single remarkable thing that happened in this fucking fair. Hehah!!!
Erik: Whatttt??? YAKKK! That’s just too gross.
Mai: I know….
Erik and Mai continue walking
Erik: Hey, what do you think…how did it get there…
Mai: Eeeh. Dunno, it’s really strange. I mean, he doesn’t do his layouts in the nude right? Gross. What does he do, jack off to the photos??? Putawattafuck
Erik and Mai continue walking, in deep thought
Erik: Unless, unless…you know….he liked the bride….
Mai: Or….he liked the groom…